


Some Twenty and Tea

by rischaa



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pining, Twenty Questions and Tea, implied biphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2017-01-30
Packaged: 2018-09-20 11:01:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9488231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rischaa/pseuds/rischaa
Summary: -“So I can trust you as well right?”“Of course. Definitely. Abso-fucking-lutely.”-Yuri turns sixteen then seventeen and he likes to mess around to get rid of that feeling that’s confused and hurt him once then another. Rewind, Yuri is confused and scared. Forward, he sees him and it scares him.They find out, get hurt, cry and sexual tension. Coping mechanism?Twenty questions- and Otabek is terrible at it. There's tea here too.Three days. Three chapters. One whole package.





	1. Not a Chapter, Just a Note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's just a note about the warnings | please proceed to the story if you don't wanna read it
> 
> might want to though. might help with knowing when the next chapter is or- you know what? just go to the next chapter.

_**quick note:** _

|-Rated M for the topics discussed and implied. Panic attacks and mild depression is implied. Homophobia and biphobia is a thing in this world like our world and unlike their **canon** world. Also some _kind of_ graphic violence and makeout scenes around the last chapter. _(no, no smut here, i only do implied, sorry)_

* * *

I didn’t write this story because I wanted to write just something OtaYuri. I’m quite neutral about their relationship (platonic or romantic). 

**reasons why i wrote this and warning: **

  1. This fic was something I wrote in for the past January that had my personal thoughts. I poured all my troubles into Yuri’s character. It was a form of escaping, a mechanism I used to cope. I decided to get over my trauma of posting chapters because I didn’t want it to haunt me forever; I wanted to try at least.
  2. Some of the scenes here have happened before in real life ( the mild panic attacks and the thoughts...)



* * *

this fic goes out to the ones who relate and those who just want a fic to read

* * *

unbeta’d / okie dokie, please enjoy ( uploaded on **_sunday, tuesday, thursday_** )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> continue on, please


	2. Not a Chapter, Just a Note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He’s gone now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um here's the first chapter, hope you like it. i know the title doesn't make sense as of now, but the last chapter will explain so yea.

There's nothing more beautiful than two people finding each other especially when they fit in like perfect puzzle pieces. Sometimes, though, people lose faith, so ragged and tired, because we're being forced onto someone we randomly fit in. Being forced unto someone sometimes feels like you fit in and then in moments, you doubt that you actually do.

It's scary when you love someone in this world and everyone knows so especially when it's with the same sex. It's not easy to cope in such a world and it will always feel like someone is cursing at your back. It feels like you’re restricted to something, restricted to hide and lie. It feels like your whole life has been a lie that you’re made to believe.

They changed it, their world. The both of them- through just a year. People found it outraging and they were mad with fury. They couldn't accept that their acts were tainting their ice, but it was merely a symbol. So small yet so big and inspiring.

He watches them fall into each other's arms and smile along with the act of endearment. They shine brighter than anyone else in the skating world. So much brighter than anyone else. It had died long before, but now it was being re-ignited. Stick by stick and spark by spark. It was a small flame, like a candle being lit in his grandfather's house, but he knows that this is just the start.

There will always be someone that will be in front of you and you’re scared of what they’ll say. And now it's his turn, because it soars in flames, with no explanation. It happened so quick in his heart and as soon as the flames died down, taking rationality, it was doused with reality, now damp.

He realizes he's lost the game. That love really did hurt. ( how stupid his thirteen year old self had thought that it was all rainbows and no rain. )

_It’s not easy letting go of something you’ve grown attached to._

* * *

**_lost date stamp_ | 9:03 a.m**

**_Ice Rink_ **

* * *

" _God_ , Yura. He's so beautiful, I wanna kiss him."

Mila has been going on and on for weeks and it's tiring, Yuri decides. He can't even concentrate any longer with the pig and the stupid Russian and now he's got Mila. He shouldn't have asked Otabek to visit for two weeks. But then, it's been so long since they actually met in real life. It was all Skype video calls and chatting, for the past few months. It felt more real like this- like a thirst being quenched after so long.

It seemed so natural, the both of them meeting last year at Barcelona, like it was planned. They talked on for hours and hours, their interests clashing with sparks and electricity. It was so refreshing, having people surround him for once and them having interest in him. Although, it may have started only just around the time Victor met Yuuri, he feels as if his life just started with another chapter only when _he_ entered the narrative.

 _Otabek Altin._ The eighteen year old Kazakh ice skater, so humble and so proud of his country. Raven styled hair and a style of a badass character from a novel come to life.

He filled Yuuri with something no one could ever fill, his loneliness being completely submerged and forgotten. Talking about skating, random things, cats, sleep, cats, and their days.

“Why don’t you go after him then?”

_First mistake made._

Yuri Plisetsky was an idiot to have done anything like that, he shouldn’t have been opened his damned mouth. He shouldn’t have been carried away by the moment. By the time he had realized that those words could bring doubt into his head, it had already been a week late.

* * *

**_lost date stamp_ | 11:57 a.m.**

**_Airport | Car_ **

* * *

He hugs him tight and doesn’t want to let go, the embrace was just so warm and as he pulled away, it felt wrong. More wrong than it ever has been in his life. He had grown so attached to him and there was this dropping feeling in the pit of his stomach. Ignoring it, he gazed at Otabek’s face before he turned away.

The sounds round him stop and move slowly as he sees him go further. The small smile that Otabek had just made for him, made his heart go aflutter. It was beating for some reason. The recognizable twinkle sparkled at the side of his eyes made him gulp. As he waved goodbye along with his nickname, he found himself stuttering to even say his name, but he had gotten through.

Yuri has to be guided to the car and as he thinks over what had just happened. The sudden stopping of the world and his heart beating faster than it should’ve. The solemn asphalt gray road doesn’t help him think, then the rain starts to fall.

It’s drab and ugly, the droplets hitting against the moving car. The atmosphere drops even lower when his grandfather mentions how Otabek has been, Yuri quoted sarcastically in his head, _‘such a gentleman.’_ It’s bothering, the countless thoughts being ran in his head.

But he knows, it’ll be longer than ever before he’ll be able to see him again, being able to hear him without patterns of broken static and having to call again. To be able to play video games and lean his head on his shoulder.

_He’s gone now._

He comes to a conclusion to call the katsudon for one simple question. Yurio finds himself in a tight spot once he gets his answer. He finds it stupid and he wants to strangle himself. There was no way anyone was going to accept it at all. He wasn’t even going to believe it.

_He didn’t want to. There was just no absolute way._

The world couldn’t even fully accept the fact that Victor and Yuuri kissed on national television, and those rings caused such a ruckus on web. Last year was crazed with people’s profanities dolling up the internet and he knows the both of them had read the articles. He knows because even after the Grand Prix, he sees the red strained eyes of Yuuri during morning practice and Victor looks tired.

If he had to expose to anyone that he was just like them, it would bring shame and downfall to his career- this world was too cruel for someone who could be so fragile like him. Aggressive sometimes, yes, but, he remembers Otabek saying to him, _‘you’re like a cat, clawing your paws on people you don’t like but you’re so sensitive, like a, uh- an angel yeah.’_ He remembers him laughing so sweetly after that.

Wrong, everything was wrong and no one could correct him on that, but it’s an argument in his head- _a war of thoughts._

_I ’ mf i n e ._ **_Y o u ‘ r en o t ._ ** _I‘ m f i n e._ **_A R EY O UR E A L L Y ?_ ** _i ’ ms oc o n f u s e d h el p pl ease s t op_

“Beka- I don’t think I can deal with this,” Yuri mumbles, a sob lumped at the back of his throat. As night falls and the moonlight gracefully lays streaks upon his dim room, only one lamp open. As he buried his head, strands of his hair falling at the side, he didn’t bother sweeping them away. Sitting in that position, he didn’t realize that it was painfully cold and lonely nor that he cried himself to sleep.

He wakes up too early in the morning and realizes he should’ve gotten more sleep.

* * *

As their call gets connected, he feels nothing but giddy like a schoolgirl with a crush. He had this nice aura and everyone  seemed to comment on it as he exited the rink. Stopping by the café, he sits by one of the tables set for the outside. He connects, seeing Otabek and it must be impossible for him to grin even wider, but it does.

_‘You seem real happy, Yura.’_

“Yeah, well, it’s been three weeks since we last talked and we usually do it almost everyday,” his tone changes. Yuri sees Otabek run his hand through his hair and sigh. It takes everything for the blush not to creep up his cheeks.

He fiddled with his fingers as Otabek made an apologetic face, _‘I’m so sorry, Yura. It’s just- ahh, I’m so busy.’_

“Beka, I wish you were here, you know,” he pauses, closing his eyes, “You’ve been so distant lately and I don’t like it. I mean, you can have your space, but I haven’t been able to talk to you.”

_‘I really don’t mean to do this Yura. It’s just-“_

“I know. I know, Beka,” he looks round the place and there are less people considering it was almost time for sunset, “Hey, I can trust you. Right?”

There’s a pregnant silence and then after a few minutes does the Kazakh man talk.

_‘Yeah, what?”_

Yuri decides to drop the subject. He knows he wasn’t paying attention. It seemed so stupid, reaching out to someone he thought he could trust. It always happened- the people he grew attached to him, he hated to admit it, but he missed them even if they left. Hell, it felt like he couldn’t feel anything after his mother disappeared. When he found about his grandfather was in the hospital after an almost serious back injury, he freaked and he let his emotions get the better of him. He couldn’t even skate properly that day.

Emotions were a fickle thing he never really grew to terms with. It was complicated and so he covered it with a mask of anger, aggression, snarls, and just plain madness.

_And, Otabek Altin may just not be ready for his secret. Or even him not accepting him._

_‘Yura? You there? Hey, look- I have to go. Uh, my coach, sh- oh, um, he’s calling. See you!”_ and he just had to end it with a cute smile, but it was a poor lie and he was always really bad at lying.

The call had ended even before he got to say ’see you’ to him, it felt so out of place. And it sucked so much to not to be able to do it the normal way. He wanted to scream- to let out his anger. He _needed_ an outlet.

He cries instead and he’s glad the dark was coming to cover the overly bright backdrop he was growing to despise.

* * *

_“You had the eyes of a soldier.”_

He reminisces the small wisp of memory form so long ago. The streaks of sunlight shining upon their face was not enough to blind them but enough to keep them warm from the slightly cool wind in Barcelona. He tried to figure out the logic behind Otabek’s words before, but he understands now.

Coming to find out what it could’ve possibly meant, he took it as someone who was just so fragile that they still stood up high with scars.

He’s not donning some kind of military uniform caked with dust and blood. He was just a skater scarred with lies and the world’s attitude and views. Yuri liked to pretend he was fine and that he didn’t have to worry about anything serious. He’d be lying if he didn’t feel the throbbing pain and relived it at night.

He was getting the hang of it- being able to hold on to reality and that was _fine_ enough for him.

“You know, you once said that I had the eyes of a soldier.”

 _‘You really did have the eyes of a soldier. You made it look so effortless. I sucked at it and I still do,’_ his voice was so soothing over the audio call, _‘You had something to say to me, right? Two days ago, if I was right?’_

Yuri gulped, rolling into a poorly made blanket roll and out of his bed to lock the door. He closed the curtains and for moments, he was sure that Otabek was patiently waiting for an answer even if he was delaying it. His knees felt weak and almost collapsing on the floor and he was thankful that he was close to the edge of bed.

_‘Yura, you okay?’_

“Yeah and uh, yes to the previous question.”

“So I can trust you as well right?”

“Of course. Definitely. Abso-fucking-lutely.”

Otabek has this blush being painted on his cheeks and they’re beautiful against his cheeks. The aura of embarrassment is very evident and Yuri holds his breath. It wasn’t difficult not to see that his heart was being tainted with Otabek.

“I have this per-“

_It was someone- he had some- fuck!_

The screen returned to their chat log and he looked at it with disbelief, his hand close to crushing the phone. Clicking quickly on the call button, it rang and rang with no answer, he checked the screen only for it to turn completely black.

“Damn it! Where’s my charger?! Nushka! Get off the bed, charger, charger…

Rummaging through his bed, he found it under a pile of blankets and pillows. Quickly rushing to the electricity socket, he shoved it in and with his hands shaking as he inserted the charger to his phone. It satisfyingly pinged and he entered the passcode in a rush almost getting it wrong.

In monotone colored words, the screen blared brightly at his face with-

_Never mind, Yura. It’s nothing. The line got cut off and I called again but you weren’t answering. Have a good night._

He shut his phone off and dropped to his knees, and felt like their secrets were ruining everything they ever had. His pillar was drifting away from him- he had always relied on him and now he didn’t even bother waiting for a few fifteen minutes.

_Yuri Plisetsky has always hated getting attached._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yea this is the first chapter and i rly hope u liked it. ^ - ^


	3. My Interlude That You Barged Into

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I want you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the fact that this had such little kudos 'cause it's buried in the archive makes me cry. oh well, it was the prologue, after all.  
> -  
> here's ze second chapter. crossing fingers that ppl will like this

He realizes the world is getting worse and maybe a little bit more accepting. They flicker like candles only following the way the wind guides them to. Some astray from the wind and they’re the ones who suffer the most, scorned by the ones guided by the way society thinks. Then the gust is so strong that they are led confused and lost- they flicker away, almost dead but they hold on because they’re stubborn and that’s the way of life. It doesn’t take much for them to regain their way because they find the wind again.

Only those who understand will know that the wind whispers lies, feeding them lies that kill the mind and free will’s opinion. They are those astray candles. And it had been a mistake to fall for one of those who followed the wind. But then, it was just so easy to succumb to the feeling of stuttering and warmth.

_It was too simple (dense, even) for such a fickle heart to do so._

* * *

**_lost date stamp_ | 10:08 a.m**

**_Ice Rink_ **

* * *

It’s silent until Mila comes and rushes in and almost falls on her face with her skates on. If it wasn’t for someone behind her to catch her by the waist and she laughs as if she expected it to happen already. Her smile is shining so bright and it rings around the rink.

The hands on the waist are a man’s. They look so familiar to him and then… the man laughs as he brings her close into the darkness. The laugh is familiar to his ears- it’s sweet sounding and deep like Beka’s laugh. He hopes it’s not him. Laughing nervously, his eyes are glued to the entrance.

The man comes into view with piercing brown eyes of beauty and styled hair with a sense of a cool and calm attitude. He gulps as his mouth drops.

“Beka?” he asks, his breath a little uneven.

_what are you doing here? with mila as well? what is happening? why are you... no._

No matter how hard he tried, his voice wouldn’t come out and they remained stuck in his throat as he found Mila and Otabek closing into his territory. Otabek smiled at him meekly, his brown eyes illuminating against the light.

“Yura~ Since you’re Beka’s best friend and you are my favorite rink mate, we decided that we’d tell you first!”

He swallows and manages to get a smirk in place that made his face muscles hurt.

“What is it?”

“Well, Beka, why don’t you say it?”

_Beka. My nickname for him- not mine, hers._

“Yura- well, we, uh…”

_Don’t call me that._

“Oh, are you that nervous?” Her voice was hard to hate- she was simply too bright and too nice and he couldn’t hate her. She was like the older sister he never asked for. Everyone loved her so much- he couldn’t even hate her.

_Stop. It’s suffocating._

“We’re, uh, to-”

_Don’t say it._

“Together. We’re a couple now, Yura!”

_Shut up. You’re lying._

It takes a few moments for it to sink in to find that the problem in this relationship was that it was one-sided and that he was the problem.

_Always me._

_He_ was the problem. _His_ sexuality was the problem. That there was no way, he could’ve ever gotten Otabek all to himself or even accept him. He was just a fucking reject and that was that. Nobody would ever be able to a accept him and so far only Victor and Yuuri knew.

They were a source of comfort, they’d always be there and he’d even sleep over sometimes when he didn’t any energy left to even move. Sometimes, no, most of the time, he can hear one of them soothe each other in the middle of night. He hears them talk for hours until one of them falls asleep. Then it’s morning, the kiss each other and it’s okay.

He was _scared_. Otabek, his grandfather, two very important people- what would they say? What would they do? Would they hate him?

Yuri’s heart was so cramped with emotions lately and it was just too bad. Recently, he’s cried every time, but this was different, this was more of an impact.

_I have to say it. I have to. I really do._

“I’m happy for you, Beka,” he manages to get it out of his system, then nodding to Mila with approval.

He lost his mind when he sees Otabek smile and that’s all he needs for confirmation. That he’s happy- if he was, then he’d deal the fuck out of it. It seemed so ironic to say that now, he had always said it was so cheesy.

_So much pain. So. Fucking. Much._

Now that it had entered his life, this newfound thing, he didn’t know what to make of it. It was something grew to cope with for some time, but sometimes he found himself wanting to tear his whole being apart. Yuri didn’t even know he liked guys before Beka, he liked girls, yes, on a special occasion find a guy attractive.

But Beka, was just so different from everyone else. The attitude, the aura, the personality, the looks. _God_ , if God could create a perfect being just for Yuri, it’d be Beka with his beautiful hazel brown eyes that sparkled in certain lighting. His pink lips, his styled hair and the way his body was tall enough for Yuri to hear his heartbeat and that Beka was warm every time.

_I want you._

Then he’d have his small little quirks. The way he’d scratch his nape when he’d nervous or when he bit his lip. He was calm and composed, but when certain things came into matter, he was just a restless person. When they played video games, Beka always had these steady, hard eyes even if he knew he’d lose.

Otabek was _just_ everything- and he didn’t have him. Mila did. _Not him._

He shouldn’t have told Mila to go after him.

_Ever._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's kinda short, but i hoped you liked it. update on thursday is longer and better since it's the ending... yea, peace out. ^ - ^


	4. When We Complete the Damned Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “ _Like._ Just how do you _not_ have tea?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, yea, this is the start of story; the previous chapters were an insight to what led to this. yea, pls enjoy. and this is definitely the chapter you understand ze title.  
> -  
> ( ; V ; ) people save me, make me motivated. i have a competition tomorrow.

* * *

**February 27 | 8:37 a.m**

**_Coffee Shop_ **

* * *

Yuri was so confused- it was halfway through February and he still had routines to practice, but everything was falling apart. Turning seventeen soon, it was going surprisingly great. That was considering he was forced to sit down in a busy cafe out in great daylight and talk with Yuuri.

_Damn it. He’s probably still with Victor. Fucking katsudon._

As he saw the countless girls pass by whispering about his tied up ponytail, he scoffed, drinking his chai and almost choking on it when the waiter tapped on his shoulder to drop off the steaming coffee for Yuuri. To think that a simple tap on his shoulder would’ve scared him rather than the actuality of it all. Last time he checked, he was still driving down the same road he’s been on since fifteen.

Still in love but there was no use admitting it now, he’d lost contact, he went off competitive skating for a year and now he tries to get over everything. The voices in his head at night breaking out making him scream and the way he’d get jealous of Victor and Yuuri’s mornings.

After an hour, he realizes he isn’t coming and when he finally pays the bill, he throws the cup of coffee he bought for the Japanese skater in the trash. Shoving his earphones on, he ignored the people walking past him- everything just seemed like a blur. The smell of perfume, the dirt, and the dust blended in within the minimal crowd wafting by.

The winds blew past and all of a sudden he felt a jab on his shoulder and it seemed unintentional. He heard a grunt from the guy and looking properly at him now; he had gone unbalanced, trying to regain his balance again.

“I- uh, um, sorry. Sorry about that,” he was looking down and then he looked with a sheepish smile; he felt like he was hit a bus.

“No, it’s impossible. Why- Wha?”

It was _him._ Alive and talking, his hand scratching the back of his nape with that innocent smile on. His hair was still neatly cut but he looked different without the leather. He donned a grey sweater under his navy blue parka and black jeans as always.

“Yura?” his smile disappeared with an unreadable look on his face.

He couldn’t form words; he tried too hard and they all came out strained and shocked. Then, he felt him wrap his arms around him and it had been the rightest thing that ha happened for such a long time. He was still warm and he could breathe down his nape a little closer than before.

A good two minutes later, he felt him choke back a sob and he kept whispering his name as if he couldn’t believe that he really was there.

“Beka,” he tested it and it rolled out just they way it usually did, “People are staring.”

And there was definitely a few people smiling and huddling around them. A camera flashed twice then thrice and all of a sudden, he was dragged out of the crowd by Otabek.

* * *

**February 27 | 12:05 a.m**

**_Beka’s Apartment_ **

* * *

“Why’d you leave?”

_More like ran away._

“Where’s Nushka?”

_Did you really have to ask?_

“She- I, no, she died a year ago.”

“Oh,” he looked skeptical, “Why did you mess up your free skate?”

_Had to go there, huh?_

Yuri smiles at him weakly and Beka looks down replicating the same smile but weaker. The moonlight featured his hair falling, strand by strand… and he couldn’t ever get over the fact that’s he’s gotten prettier over the years with a sense of maturity. He really wanted to kiss him. 

“You were always bad at this game, weren’t you? Not letting me get my turns and stuff like that.”

_but i'd allow it anyway. always._

Beka looks at him queerly and Yura playfully punches at him when he says, “But, isn’t that how it’s actually played?”

“You know what? Shut up, just…let me sleep.”

He feels Otabek slip away then a few moments later a blanket is covering him. He hears him breathing and there’s hesitation before he starts walking again. That’s before he whispers something that sounds like an apology.

Yuri doesn’t sleep comfortably. 

* * *

**February 28 | 11:05 a.m**

* * *

“You know I hate coffee, and you dare have it in your house? I want tea, Beka,” he cries out with exaggeration when he wakes up, “ _Like._ Just how do you _not_ have tea?!”

Yuri is terribly distressed over the fact he doesn’t have tea and that there’s no food.

“Beka,” he drawls out the ‘a’ and he groans, “How do you not have food? Your fridge is fucking empty. Your cabinets don’t even have ingredients for food.”

“I do. I do. I-’

“No, that’s ramen and… wha? Why do you have expired cans of tuna and beans, the hell? This is a crime- Beka, get dressed. We’re going out to buy food.”

Beka doesn’t budge from the couch and as Yuri stands right before him, he’s pulled in onto the couch. Beka mumbles something but it’s incoherent. Yuri looks at him intently with a forced pout on his lips.

“Beka! Get. Up. Or I will drag you down th-“

“Just order, we already have coffee,” he repeated with a trace of chuckle at the end. Yuri feels his chest tighten. 

_“Beka!”_

* * *

**February 28 | 12:51 p.m**

* * *

The walls were closing in, suffocating him as he gazed longer and longer at Beka, his heart felt like collapsing. Beka did the simplest things to make his chest feel like it was running out of breath. He dug his fingernails into his palm as his vision turned blurry and there were tears. As he saw, Beka drying the plates, he rubbed the tears roughly off his eyes.

Beka plops on the couch where he was laying almost crushing his body.

“Hey, there,” Beka smiles as he hits his arm to let himself be known.

Weakly, he replies and collapsing his head on the armrest, “Hey.”

He feels Beka shuffle a bit closer as he closes his eyes to see nothing but darkness the dimly lit room. They had turned off most of the lights since he insisted on doing so. They were too bright and he felt like it needed to be a little darker.

 _“_ You ever dated someone? I mean you’re turning seventeen, after all.”

“Ugh, fucking again! It _was_ my turn! You promised too!” he told him, faking a frown, “But, no I haven’t. Just some one night stands here and there.”

“Oh,” he looked at the open window and for once, he says the words he’s waited for, “Your turn.”

“Why did you break up with Mila?”

Otabek looks at him smiling and whenhe blinks it isn’t there, “I dated her because I was confused and when I realized I was being a coward, I, uh… I decided to tell her. I was so oblivious and I don’t even know when it started,” he laughs warmheartedly and it sounds like ringing bells, “But, I liked him, this person. I really liked him more than I liked Mila.

“I’m breaking the rule here, but, how did you know, _like_ just how?”

It’s silent for a while and he looks intently at Otabek. He has this pensive look and it seems like he doesn’t want to say it. It’s a blur of emotions, they switch so fast from confused to pensive to sad and then settling unto neutral.

“Everything he did made me feel things. It was wrong and I was scared, you know. But, he screamed at me and told me not to be scared with those eyes. He looked angry and so hurt and I realized that I’ve been lying and hurting people round me.”

 _Who was it? I really want to ask. I want to break the rule._ **_B r E a KiT t h e N._ ** _shut up!_

It was so sudden, the way Otabek had looked at him with such eyes out of nowhere. He looked so gentle and vulnerable, the wisps of his hair falling at the sides. The undercut he’s kept all these years was still attractive and his brown eyes gazing into his turquoise pair.

 **_d oy o u Re AL l y t h i n khE ‘st a l k I n g abou ty o u ?H O W P A T h etic._ ** _shutupshutup._

“Yura, you really do have beautiful eyes.”

He opened his eyes and saw Beka’s face too close for him and something was touching his face. Something started circling on his cheek.

“Shut it, Beka. But, uh- what are you d-”

 **_good. just leave him be. he’ll hurt you again. i’m just trying to protect you._ ** _but-_ **_NO B u Ts!_ ** _he’s close enough, i can-_ **_I S a I d NO._ **

“Ah, sorry. I, uh, dunno what came over me.”

 **_see? if he’s far away enough, you’ll be fine. you don’t feel anything for him. nothing at all._ ** _shut up! i like him, so shut up._ **_nO you Don’t._ **

He notes that Otabek looks upset and somehow, _just_ somehow, he ends up staring at his lips. Then his eyes and then his cheeks… they’re blushing. It’s not like he was embarrassed, but it piqued his interest. It piqued him at why he looked upset, embarrassed and why he was even blushing.

“Hey, Beka, you all right?”

“Ah, y-yeah! I’m fine. You’re just a little bit too c-close.”

 _what? why is he? he never stutters. never._ **_you think you know him? he has sE cr e t s._ ** _i know but-_ **_re m E M bE rt h el a s t T I m e? h i ss e c r e t s H U R T y o U._ ** _please. shut . the. fuck. up._

He doesn’t know what came over him. Yuri wasn’t sure if it was the anger that’s been built up in his chest and it suddenly burst out or it was the way Beka blushed. He wasn’t sure if it was the slight beer he had during dinner. Yuri wasn’t sure why he even grabbed him by the neck.

He had only meant to find out something and then the embarrassment kicks in when he sees Beka smile and ask, “What do you think you’re doing?”

They were friends, or so he had thought. He was just lying to himself, that he know. He knew how much he wanted to smell his scent of musk and hear him groan when he kissed him. He wanted him and he wanted him all to _himself._ If that wasn’t what what selfish meant, then he didn’t know what was.

“Stop provoking me. I won’t be able to hold back, Yura.”

**_see? I t o l d Yo UH e ’ S g o i n to h u r t Y O u._ **

“Beka?”

Without notice, he feels himself being put upright and his lips being pecked once then again and again. Their lips move almost in sync as he feels Beka’s hand roam through his hair, threading through it then pulling his hair tie off. His hair falls down and it’s a little bothersome.

“ _Yura. Yu- ah, Yura…”_

He’s being pushed against the couch and the kiss gets harsher as if they were running out of time. He holds on tight onto Beka’s broad shoulders. They keep slipping away, his grip wasn’t tight enough- it was like how he kept distancing himself from Beka. The kiss is harder, less breath, he wants to pull away so bad. The emotions were hitting each other, confused of which he he really felt like they were fighting for which one was was he really felt.

 **_Pu L lA W ay!_ ** _no._

He feels Beka bite his lower lip and the hot breath hitting his collarbone. He grabs hold onto his back as the kisses trail down his neck. He leaves there on a while and he can’t help but moan.

**_Pu L lA W ayn O w._ **

Hot. It feels so hot and he can’t stop. He pulls away for a quick breath and dips in again, trying to savor his taste again and again. There’s something trickling down the edge of his lips.

**_Pu L lA W ay! H e ’ s k i s s i n g ap at h e ti cp i e ce o fs h i tl i k e y o u . H o wc a ny o u no t p ul l a wa y ?_ **

His hands fall and pushes Beka away from him. _He looks pretty. He wants to kiss him. He really does._

**_f i nAl L y . Yo u ’ve R E a l izeD. g o o n , h u r t h i m .y o u d o n’ t d e s e rv e h i m o re v e n K i s Sh I m ._ **

“Yura? What are y-“

The punch feels good. The adrenaline rushes through his veins and the only traget in front of him was Beka. Once. _Twice._ Then, another. One more. He misses once and feels his other hand grab hold of the other man’s neck. He can see the mark forming around it. He can’t hear anything. Nothing at all, but the deafening sound of silence ringing in his ears.

_fuck you. fuck you. i hate you. i hate you. so, so much. why the fuck are you not fighting back?_

There’s something about his knuckles that feel numb. He looks at it and it has grazes on it and little pieces of skin tearing, the blood running rivulets down his fingers. Beka grabs his face and it’s suffocating.

_st-stop. beka. wha- please, i can't breathe._

“Stop! What’s wrong? Tell me!” 

He looks dazed and hurt. The tears were starting to form on Beka's face- his face was a little blurry and his breath was getting rapid as seconds passed by. He could see him holding back and he could see him bite his lip as his tears fell. Beka looked forced to do it and he could see him speaking so clearly but he couldn't hear him. It was being drowned out but he could hear him say his name. 

 _"Damn it, Yura!_ Don't do this to me! Why...  _why?_ Please... just stop. I don't want to hurt you.  _Please._  Ah-Yura?"

Beka's hands were rubbing his cheeks... it was  _warm._

 ** _nO s e eh i m t r y i n g t og e tt h r ou g hy o u ?h e ’ sg o i n g to h u r ty o u ._ ** _but, he’s beka. why would you punch him?_ **_o h , y o ut h i n k it ’ s m e ? n o ,n o. t hi s is a ll y ou r a ng e r._ **

_no! you’re lying. he’s beka, i don’t, why? you're lying, you damn fuck. please stop! stop!_

_just._

_please._

_st- stop._

He hears someone call out his name before the tears fell and the only thing left to hear was his crying. He hears the shaky voice repeat his name again and again. But it stops and that’s all that matters.

_“Yu- Yura?”_

* * *

**March 1 | 00:03 a.m**

* * *

This was not how it was supposed to go with Yura crying his eyes out; he had never seen someone break down so quickly and cry, every tear drying his soul out. The raw emotion shocked him all of a sudden after he started punching him. His hair was disheveled, his clothes crumpled and he was screaming. His voice was hoarse after an amount of crying and screaming and he waited.

He didn’t want to say it was going to be alright. Most things weren’t, like how he had dealt with his sexuality at the early stages. It had only resulted in so many people getting hurt: Mila, Yura, and him. It wasn’t how it was supposed to go. He just wanted to hide long enough and bury the fact he liked both genders.

The thought of telling Yura or anyone else about it scared him to the pits of the dark night. Yura was everything; he entered his life so unknowingly with his brash words and his stiff personality which was surprisingly quite the opposite if he liked you.

 _If he liked you_ …

He had always thought it was because they had _this_ thing- he thought it was normal to care for someone like Yura. It wasn’t; not when you start having this urge to kiss him and every touch felt like fire. He felt hurt when Yuri wouldn’t tell him something or when he saw him disappear after last season.

“Be- Beka,” Yura whispers as his grip falls and he winces, still crying, “You’re bleeding… ah, shit! Fuck. I’m sorry.” His hand seemed to hurt and under the dim lighting, he could see the red and blue forming purple on his knuckles.

“I didn’t meant to hit you like that. Ah, your cheek is bruised. Ah! Shit, it hurts, I’m really so-”

He feels like Yuri is trying too hard; he was trembling and apologizing not giving a care for his wellbeing. It hurt and it felt good, to have a fight like this. It didn’t feel physically good as his bruises stung like being burned constantly if you dared to come touch it. It felt good to release all the pent up emotions.

“Why did you, ah, um, why haven’t-never mind.”

It’s the first time he’s heard Yura laugh for a while and something warm bubbles at the pit of his stomach. He wants to laugh along with him, the urge to is immensely great even more so when he tries to say something.

“You really are bad at twenty questions aren’t you? It was my turn too, idiot,” Yura states and he looks at Yura who’s lips are bleeding and a small bruise forming at the edges. He’s smiling genuinely as he gazed across the empty, dimly lit room.

There’s empty silence as he watches him stay pressing against his chest. It feels natural, like this.

“I missed you, you know? It felt like something was missing-“

“In my life. Like you shattered intro pieces and you couldn’t find the glue,” Yura finishes.

He laughs, “You still have a terrible sense for similes. You’re terrible,” his laughs dies down when Yura slips from his grip and sits right next to him whilst leaning his head on his shoulder.

“Just like how terrible you are at grasping twenty questions.”

“My cheek hurts, Yura, and it’s all your fault.”

“Stop making me feel guilty, damn it, I hate you.”

Otabek glances at him and Yura’s hair covering his face and his slightly red cheek. he can see the tears falling silently and prickling through his eyes, drop by drop.

“I really do like you,” he takes a deep breath and bringing his head closer to kiss his blonde hair, “If I didn’t, I would have _not_ kissed you at all. I wouldn’t have dated Mila back then because I was so confused. Do you get it? I like you.”

The silence makes him hold his breath as he sees Yura try to say something. The words then tumble out slowly as if treading on uncharted waters. His voice was so close to breaking and it shook with such rawness.

“I tried so hard to fucking to stop this,” and Otabek looks at him confused as Yura continues, “t-this feeling, Beka. I wanted it to be normal. I tried. _So hard._ I’m scared as hell to want you. But here I fucking am, wanting you anyway. I’ve always… just always. I didn’t mean to at all. But I did.”

The clock’s ticks and tocks resonated throughout the night and he could see Yura wipe his tears and laugh weakly and turn to look back at him. He smiles properly and he feels the walls being hit against with a strong current. He _feels_ it physically break, all the pain and fear he’s built up for years. Otabek feels the rush of strong emotions like a broken dam.

He doesn’t deserve someone like Yura. Yura was too pure, too scared; someone like him. He’s too much for him, his arrogance and his quite colorful personality. It filled his empty and monochrome world meant just for his country and then he lost that too. He was like a painting left unfinished, splotches of grays, blacks, and whites everywhere.

It was dripping with color, now, and he hoped it’d lay thicker, coat upon coat, unbreakable.

“I like you. You like me. It’s almost been two years and I made mistakes okay? I don’t want my next mistake to be losing you again. Don’t make me relive that. I lost you so many times now, and it still hurts to think about it,” Otabek felt like crying, the walls were cramping in, his eyes still steady on Yura’s movement.

“I’m a screw up and I still haven’t told my grandfather! Whenever someone sees me, they see me as _Yuri Plisetsky, the one who left skating,_ okay?! I messed my free skate up and it was all because of you. _You._ ** _You._ ** You and Mila. I saw you cheering for me…it was f-fine until I saw Mila kiss you. It h-hurt so... damn much,” Yura started tripping on his words and they formed into sobs.

“Just _how_ could you like a _screw-up_ like me?”

He hugs Yura from the side and kisses his hair repeatedly and he still smells like citrus from two years ago. God, he loved him so much. He wanted to give everything to him; he wanted to protect him.

“How could you still like someone like me after hurting _you_? I don’t think that’s called liking anymore.”

“Then, what the fuck do you call that?”

_i think it’s called love. i think i love you. yeah, i think so._

Otabek turns Yura’s head around and stares right into his eyes, his beautiful glasslike eyes that shone under such little amount of light. He doesn’t think he’s ready to say it but he guesses it can wait just a little longer. He knows Yura well enough to know he knows what it is. He’s just too scared.

So, _he kisses him and god, the bruises didn’t matter as long as he got to express it little bit more like this. Less punching and blood, that was. More kissing and maybe, just to get him worked up: coffee. He’d love to see Yura’s face when he said that._

His hands roam through his long hair, it’s so long and it’s so soft and silky. So blonde and so beautiful. Tugging at the roots, he pulls him in deeper when he hears him groan. Their lips move in sync, and it’s not sloppy and angry like the second time. It’s slow, gentle and almost chaste if it wasn't for their quite eventful first. Otabek feels the sly bite on his lips and he knows Yura is teasing him.

He pulls and dips in again even though almost out of breath. Yura won't stop; he kisses as if he'll leave. As if this was their last kiss, but it isn't. 

He finally pulls away and looks at him, eyes widened and dilated. 

“What was _that?_ ”

“Go figure,” he smugly smirks and sees Yura scramble his mind to say something.

“You’re still terrible at twenty questions.”

“Low blow, Yura. Low blow. I just kissed you, you know.”

“Shut up, Beka. Uh, so, um, do I get more of that? Or?”

_“Tea first.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, again. it's the end. this week was the longest- days felt like years; i just want to thank the people who left kudos or even gave this story a try. even those who left comments. 
> 
> i luv u guys, you guys are amazing. i wish you guys a beautiful day~ ja!

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, feedback are just as amazing as cookies ☆⌒(≧▽° )  
> -  
> hoped you liked it~ _(please leave kudos if you did!)_ (⌒‿⌒)  
>  -  
> rant to me about otayuri or yuri!!! on ice anytime on my [ tumblr](https://chrischaa.tumblr.com/)  
> 


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